A lot of people don’t know this, and it really doesn’t show, but I have stage fright. Panic attack. Anxiety attack. And all the other pretty names for it. It’s like ‘I’m going to shit my pants’ every time the spot light is turn on me. ANYTIME. For instance, if someone ask me ANYTHING on my regular practice at EDS, I choke. So. Fucking. Stupid. Why do I choke all the time???!! It’s like my brain goes into shock every time I feel a little bit nervous. I want to do a lot of stuff and I know I shouldn’t let this stop me but I feel like I’m going to cry. It’s that bad, every time. My anxiety problem is so bad akh!
I’m bringing all this up because a senior ask if I could lead the prayer on Friday. WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSE TO DO? I. WLL. CHOKE. No joke :-( Should I or shouldn’t I?
Better yet, could I or couldn’t I?
tips for running faster
Hellu again, I’m pretty tired today so I’ll keep it short. (And I did say I’d make a weekly report, not daily :p)
I’ve been stalking Nadia Aboulhosn(one of my daily dose of insparation), I came across this and I just knew I had to blog about it.
…human beings can achive this good life, but it’s by the cultivation of the virtues of intelligence and courage, not faith and obidiance…
I always knew I had to change the way I was living, I just never really paid any attention to it. This quote just sums it up for me, I’ve been living just by faith and obedience. Yes, I’m able to think but never really for my self (see my previous posts for more detail). I was lacking intelligence, courage AND consistency. I always thought that being brave meant not being scared. Being brave is going for it in spite of being scared.
And fear has many different forms. To me, it has always been rejection and failing. Not rejection and failing at big things, its actually the small stuff for me. Self approval from my friends, failing to make conversation. This resulting me and my little bubble. Time to pop the bubble and face the real world. If you’re like me and you feel like you need to change your life or start living your life, I suggest to start with small things and staying consistent with them. Stuff that you’ve been procrastinating is the best place to start. It’s not something that happens over night, you need to be patient and just keep at it. Small stuff do matter, if you aren’t able to stick through the small stuff how are you going to make it through the big stuff?
Hopefully I can make it through this month with my resolutions in spite of being lazy, scared and immature. And hopefully again, this little diary of mine inspire someone, anyone, to begin living their life.
Okay, so, I’m going to starting doing stuff that I think qualify as ‘actually’ living. Not just being on autopilot. So, here’s what am I do..
This is going to sound super selfish but,
- Start to love yourself.
Do stuff thats good for you. That you know you should be doing and stop doing stuff thats bad for you. For me, start exercising, read more books and clean my room. Just those three things for now. And I know I’ve been saying I’m going to start exercising for.. ever, but never really came through. This time it’s different. If I don’t do this I’m never going to move on from where I am.
Wish me luck on those three things for now. I’ll be updating weekly on (just) those three for now. Wish me luck!
From previous posts it’s obvious that I’m not at all happy. I don’t have any real problems, like financial problems or relationship problems, but I’m not happy. Ever. And I JUST realise that, how weird.. I never really live my life. I never really done something consciously, everything I’ve done is because it ‘came’ to me. I didn’t ‘come’ to it. It’s so weird I’m just realising it now.. I have to start living, I have to. I can’t do this anymore, I’m going crazy. I’m going nuts and I’m going stupid and ignorant and bitter and all sort of nasty stuff. No more. I can’t, I feel like I’m mentally dying. I have to do something, anything, that will make me contented. Autopilot, that’s how I feel I’ve been living my life. On autopilot.. Now I really need to do something.